Father (to his wife): I’m the man of the family, I can take care of this. Who wears the pants in this family?
Young Son: (excited gasp) I wear pants!
Father: But I wear the Big Boy pants.

MOA
Overheard by And I don’t wear diapers, either.

Hungry Angry Teenage Boy to his Mom: Just cuz it says Tuna Helper doesn’t mean ya gotta add tuna!

From the sh–t, kickin’, speed takin’, truck-drivin’ neighbors downstairs . . .(in ne mpls)
Overheard by Wishing my FICO score was better, so I could buy a house in a better neighborhood.

Dude #1 (eating one slice of jelly toast and one slice peanut butter toast): I’m double fisting!
Dude #2: You could put them together and make a sandwich.
Dude #1: Yeah, but it’s toast.
Dude#2: Oh, you’re right. There should be a law against mixing toasts.

A pious college on a hill in Northfield
Overheard by there should be a law against mixing stupid people.

Dramatic teen girl talking to her obviously unenthusiastic friend: Oh my god, like, I work, like, every night. It’s like, oh yeah I go out there and I’m a hooker!

Target in the Quarry
Overheard by I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole.