Drunk girl: I’m so sick of going to the bathroom.

Minneapolis, The Local
Overheard by …tragic.

Pouting newlywed wife: I feel like we don’t spend enough time together.
Seething newlywed husband: (grinds teeth)
Pouting newlywed wife: Enough quality time.
Seething newlywed husband: (remains silent)
Pouting newlywed wife: Would you like me to tell you what quality time is?
Seething newlywed husband: (about to speak, thinks better of it)
Pouting newlywed wife: 23 hours a day.

St. Paul, The Happy Gnome
Overheard by Good, that leaves one hour for him to think of a response.

One guy in his 20s to another, walking to their respective cars: Sorry dude, I forgot the chainsaws again!

Minneapolis, Bar parking lot
Overheard by Only in Minnesota.

Kitchen staff on smoke break out back: I gotta let my toe heal so they can amputate it.

St Paul, Bulldog Lowertown
Overheard by it needs to heal before you cut it off?

Half drunk man at the bar: Why are you wearing a teardrop on a necklace?  Did you kill someone?
Young woman waiting for a drink: It’s from Tiffany’s.

St. Paul, Plum’s Bar
Overheard by But did you kill someone to get it?

Bouncer at the bar: I had better get a tactical shotgun for Christmas.

Minneapolis, Bar of choice
Overheard by fairly nervous.

Hipster at bar: It’s a gateway drug, not an actual drug.

Saint Louis Park, Kip’s Irish Pub
Overheard by all drugs are actual drugs.

Man walking into the bathroom, talking on his cell phone: Hang on a sec, I am going someplace quieter.  (a few seconds later) Damn, hang on.  I just peed on my hand.

Minneapolis, local bar 
Overheard by Did they know you were in the bathroom? ewww.

20-Something Girl: I don’t care how much bathrooom sex he’s had; he’s still really, really sexy. I mean, just LOOK at him. Sooo sexy.

St. Paul, Bulldog Lowertown
Overheard by Bringin Sexy Back.

Random guy to girls at the bar: Hello ladies, how’d you like some Crystal Light in your drinks? (holds up an open Crystal Light packet — blank stares)  Okay, yeah, I didn’t realize how creepy that would be.

Minneapolis, Imperial Room

Older drunk man to 20-something reading a book in a bar: Man, you’re reading a book in a bar!?  What a rebel!
20-something: Thank you?

St. Paul, Eagle Street Grille
Overheard by I admired him.

Drunk man: I just really want a f-ckin’ vagina!
Drunk woman: Like sparkly pink neon!

Minneapolis, Kieran’s
Overheard by I’m sure you do.

Girl #1: EW!!!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: That girl that just walked by us sneezed on me!
Girl #2: What the hell? Now you’re convered in fat girl sweat and snot, and I bet it’s only going to get worse.
Girl #1: Fuckin’ showering when I get home, I feel so dirty.

South Mineapolis, The Cabooze Cobra Starship Concert
Overheard by kiss my sass.

Girl to friend while going to the bathroom: During that time of the month, I pee out of my butthole.
Friend: (says nothing)

Minneapolis, Liquor Lyle’s
Overheard by Weird, I normally just sneeze out of my eyes.

Mid twenties man to friend outside bar: So, with an extra two hundred and fifty dollars lying around from my dad, I thought I’d go to the zoo.  Because Amsterdam has a fucking sweet zoo.

Minneapolis, Sgt. Prestons
Overheard by there are other things in amsterdam i’d rather do.

Preston’s patron to her friend: What would Jesus do?  First of all, he’d be pissed that people are making “What Would Jesus Do” bracelets.

Minneapolis, Preston’s Urban Pub
Overheard by patrick.

Boss (after borrowing underling’s phone): Man, you have a greasy ass phone. You need to wash your hair or something.

Minneapolis, Lyon’s Pub
Overheard by Me and my BlackBerry.

Older, 60-ish gross man at bar (after making out with young 20-something girl next to him): I will pay you $200 to go home with me.

Minneapolis, Hubert’s after the Twins win
Overheard by don’t even think about it, lady!

Girl in black clothes to guy in black clothes: I love facial hair. (pause) You know, the older I get, the more I like body hair, too. (pause) The furrier the better!

Minneapolis, Club Jager
Overheard by not overly fond of body hair.

Attractive redhead to person buying her a drink: I’ll have a Grey Goose Martini, ass-to-mouth dirty, straight up please.

New Brighton, Our Bar
Overheard by Kickballer.