Nurse #1:  So, this one time I actually hit an artery.  You would be surprised how close it is to the vein.
Nurse #2:  Really!! What happened?
Nurse #1:  It shot across the room.
Nurse #2:  Really!!! What did you do?
Nurse #1:  I put a bandage on it.  I don’t think he died.

Waiting to have my blood drawn at the Healthpartners Lab
Overheard by Cart Jockey.

Patient: …and then [Doctor A] gave me a prostate ultrasound. That was definitely a painful experience.
Doctor B: Well, if it hurts, that means he did a good job.

Medical Building, 28th and Chicago
Overheard by Is pain the new measure for medical excellence?

Mother [reading off of clip board]: Are you sexually active?
Angry Teenage Daughter: Define “active”. I mean I just lay there most of the time.
Mother: *stares at her daughter like she has spawned the devil*

Burnsville Family Physicians, Burnsville
Overheard by Oh Wow.

Mom in a baby voice: Let’s zip up your coat. Do you want to know how cold it is?
3 year old: How?
Mom in a baby voice: So cold that if you don’t wear your mittens your fingernails will fall off.

Tunnel from Fairview University to parking ramp
Overheard by Scarring children for life.

Really Old Wife: What’s the name of the doctor we are seeing?
Really Old Husband: They don’t have names, it is luck of the draw.
Really Old Wife: What are you, stupid? All doctors have names.
Really Old Husband: (Begins to open mouth and then thinks better of it)

Healthpartners Urgent Care
Overheard by Why men die before women.

Passing Hospital Worker: When am I going to see you in a tux?
Guy Sitting Outside Elevator: You’ll see me in a tux when they’re ready to put me in the ground. But you won’t be able to see me because of the tears in your eyes!

Regions Hospital in Minneapolis
Overheard by A guy in a tux.

Hospital Tech: Back in the day when my grandmother found out she was pregnant with her last child, she threw herself in front of a bus!
Co-worker: Oh my god, did she die?
Hospital Tech: No! But Aunt Carol came out a little weird.

North Memorial Hospital
Overheard by Krissy.

ER Doctor: So, I see you had an exciting night at the bar.
Drunk girl bleeding from the head: Obviously.
ER Doctor: Maybe you shouldn’t wear such tall shoes.
Drunk girl bleeding from the head: Dr. Fischer, are you going to be my dad or my doctor!? Now sew me up because I have VIP tonight!

HCMC
Overheard by Maybe she got a band-aid to match her shoes.

6 yo sister advocating for baby brother to high strung mom: We feel like it’s your job to make babies cry!

Chanhassen Park Nicollet Clinic
Overheard by Glad I’m not the only one with that job.

Very drunk bum checking into ER around 1AM: I have this pain in my chest. It’s really bad I can’t stand it. Oh, it hurt so bad. I think I’m having a heart attack.
Nurse: How long has it been like this?
Very drunk bum: Umm…since 8 AM.
Nurse: Why didn’t you come in earlier?
Very drunk bum: Well, I had to get drunk first.

Regions Hospital

RN to Young Guy in Scrubs: Why are you talking to me? Don’t talk to me. See, you don’t really work here. There ought to be a rule! People who don’t really work here can’t talk to people who do.

North Memorial Hospital
Overheard by Caffeine Queen.

Woman: She’s twelve and she’s already having candlelight dinners.

Abbott Northwestern Hospital
Overheard by girl in scrubs.

Cute little boy: Are we going to 5?
His mom: No, we’re going to 8.
Cute little boy: Well I want to go to 5.
His mom: Nope, 8.
Cute little boy: (pause) Can we go to 5?
His mom: The ice cream is on 8.
Cute little boy: Oh.

hospital elevator
Overheard by I wanna go to 8 too.

Pediatrician: Your husband’s from Ireland?
Mother of Patient: Yep.
Pediatrician: What language does he speak to your daughter at home?
Mother of Patient: English?

Children’s Clinic
Overheard by you’re a doctor???

Mom #1 with small infant: Girl, I heard you got yourself a job at Walgreens. Do you got a way to get me some pills for free?
Mom #2 with two toddlers: Uh huh, girlfriend, I’m tellin ya… that’s why I’m workin’ there!

Riding elevator to the clinic
Overheard by It’s a sad, sad world.

Guy #1: It’s too damn cold outside.
Guy #2: Yeah, well it least it ain’t raining… what morning was that? Monday? I was astrogliding the whole way to work in that torrential downpour.
Guy #1: Don’t you mean hydroplane?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: You said astroglide.
Guy #2: I thought hydroplane was some kind of lube.
Guy #1: Dude…

outside HCMC
Overheard by Danielle.

Old man: Wait, is this romaine lettuce? (He sweeps lettuce off his plate back into the salad bar.) I won’t eat that crap. Only iceberg lettuce for me, I don’t care if it has no nutrients.

Hospital cafeteria salad bar
Overheard by Loves all greens.

Middle aged man talking on the phone while he waits for his son having a procedure: I don’t know, Eric is back there somewhere. I think he’s having his uterus scanned.

UMMC waiting room
Overheard by anatomically confused.

50-something woman: That’s some pretty jazzy music.
40-something woman: That’s Skynard. Don’t you like southern rock?
50-something woman: That’s too much for me. I like Led Zepplin, though. He made some nice music.

hospital work place/ Northern MN

Very excited hospital employee to guy in wheelchair: I just dropped off your legs! They’re downstairs!

HCMC
Overheard by Sue.